Some ten years ago we had our kitchen done up. Amongst the manifold machines installed were an AEG dishwasher and refrigerator. Imbued by the power of German engineering one assumes these machines will last forever. Three months ago the fridge failed, kaput, finito, gonzo. Being built in with pretty matching doors it was a bugger to remove and it was even more difficult to fit the new one as of course the trim and other important features had changed in the interim.

The delivery saga was one of those modern day specials. 'Well Madam, delivery is arranged by the drivers. The driver will contact you to give you a delivery time.' The date was fixed, the driver called and was told not to deliver at a certain time. All that got delivered was a note from the driver saying that he had attempted to deliver precisely at the time he had been told there would be nobody there to take delivery.

The next attempt worked as Mrs Fox remained chained to the house all day.

Six weeks ago the dishwasher failed, kaput, finito, gonzo. Being built in with pretty matching doors it was a bugger to remove, to the extent that one of its justifying feet had locked and it required the combined strength of the Doctor and his rugger playing friend to rip it out. The delivery was achieved with minimal pain as all parties had learned from the last one. The fitting, however did not take place as the machine required an extended pipe to link to the plumbing.

Mrs Fox was away working and I was at home to supervise the cutting down of a rotten tree which was threatening our neighbours. I thought I would act the house husband and organise the new pipe for the dishwasher. Bold as brass I rang the phone number in the booklet that had come with the new machine. It was, of course the wrong number as 'We have recently had a reorganisation'. I was given the new number. It was one of these dreaded voice mail systems. After an interminable message for which I was paying in both money and frustration I learned that for spare parts I should press 2. I did so, some music played followed by a message that all lines to the spare parts were busy. Then total cut off, outer space.

A few minutes later I rang again and the same order of events took place.

I then rang again and pressed 4 for the switchboard. 'I am trying to contact the spare parts department' I said, without a word she put me onto the music, the message and the trip to outer space.

By now bemused, bothered and bewildered I planned my next attempt with care. I got through to the switchboard and explained my dilemma that if they did their job efficiently and put me straight through to the spares department all that that happened was that I was tossed into outer space. All sorts of motherly clucking noises led to the suggestion that she should take my name and phone number and one of the brave hearts from spare parts would call me back.

Some three and a half hours later one Brian did. Brian was a good egg. I explained that I needed an extended outlet hose for the new dishwasher. After some time we discovered the number of the part required. They did not have one in stock but perhaps the local AEG shop would have one. He gave me the number, told me to ring them and that he would ring me back in five minutes to check on progress. I rang the number. It rang and rang but answer came there none. I put the phone back on the hook. Brian rang me back on schedule. I explained that I had only got a ringing phone but no further response. 'Hang on while I call them' he said. I did. After a short while he reported that he had made contact and they had not got the part. So we would have to order it from head office in Stockport. I gave him my address and credit card number. He assured me that the order would be processed in the morning. I bade him farewell.

It was now past Noon, the chain-saw gang in the back yard had ceased ripping the air apart and were slumped lunching. Mrs Fox called, in my now bemused state I reported success with the ordering of the outlet hose extension, expecting praise for my efforts and perseverance. 'You stupid sod' she cried 'it needs an extended inlet hose'. Bruised, I rang off and immediately called AEG. More of the morning's medicine ensued. Eventually I got the shop to answer. I explained my lamentable position. They had, by a miracle, an extended inlet hose in stock, all that was required was Mrs Fox to present herself with the existing short hose, proof of purchase of the machine, her wedding certificate and her last school report and they would exchange the short hose for a long hose free of charge.

By a fluke the Expert on the Premiership was playing a cricket match at a nearby school the next day so the trip to the Slough Trading Estate was less of a journey to hell than it might have been.

Now I had to cancel the order for the extended outlet hose. By the time I managed to raise the switchboard going home time was nigh. As the spare parts department was yet again engaged I suggested that a fax might do the trick. The lovely switchboard lady agreed, gave me the fax number and said that she would call into the spare parts dept on her way home to check that Brian had received the cancellation.

Brian rang when we were out and left a message on the ansaphone. Apparently once a order had been dispatched to Stockport it could not be cancelled even on the same day. Like Hitler's invasion of Poland it was unstoppable. All that could be done was to return the unwanted part after it had arrived. As well as the postage costs, there would also be a handling charge. So the company that cannot be contacted makes sure that it never moves without it's costs being covered. And an order is an order forget statuary rights, cooling off periods and the customer is always right. Like the tank traps in Switzerland once an order is raised it can never be rescinded.

The Doctor finally fitted the machine with the new extended inlet hose. He also had to use one metal clip from the now arrived and expensive extended outlet hose. It works and, like the advert on the TV where grazing deer ignore it, it's very silent.

Unfortunately as the clip has been used I cannot be sure of attaching the unwanted extended outlet pipe around the Chairman's neck with such immutable force as he would have my order held to his company's bosom.

I am keen to try though.

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